Maxims, sayings, sage advice, words to live by, blah blah blah, etc., etc...

1.Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or eventually gets around to killing you.

2.If you are at a Mexican restaurant and you don't like spicy food, never order anything with the word “Diablo” in it.

3.Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And that guy at the bus station that keeps yelling at himself? Keep him far, far away.

4.Belch really loud at least 3 times a day. It's good for the soul.

5.Bench pressing a house pet each day is an inexpensive and convenient way to stay fit. You'll feel better about yourself and your pet will enjoy the extra attention. I recommend 3 sets of 15, depending on the size of the animal.

6.If you can't say something nice about someone, say something honest, but in a nice way.

7.Revenge is a dish best served with a very dull knife, and probably not a steak knife.

8.This too shall pass. Unless you're referring to the smell of vomit coming from the back seat of your car. That's pretty much here to stay.

9.A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. A lot of knowledge is even more dangerous because there's more of it, so, like, you can do even crazier stuff with it.

10. To sing is to pray twice. To sing badly isn't so much a prayer as it is a threat. And God doesn't usually respond well to threats.

11. Whoever said you can do anything you set your mind to, most likely never tried to water ski for the first time after the age of 35. And probably isn't naturally klutzy.

12. Life is like a box of cereal. There's a prize at the bottom and that prize is death. (I guess you're wondering what brand of cereal I ate as a child.)

13. Good things come in small packages. Unless it's a letter bomb. Not so good.

14. Don't ever light up a cigarette in a hospital. A guy did that on “Grey's Anatomy” and he was immediately engulfed in flames. It was pretty messed up.

15. A picture is worth a thousand words, or a thousand dollars, if somebody is willing to pay that kind of money for it. The art world seems so arbitrary to me sometimes.

16. If you want to learn to play a musical instrument to impress girls, try the bassoon. It's actually quite difficult to play. If I were a girl, I would be impressed.

17. If you are attending a wedding and your child starts screaming and crying, the proper thing to do is to remove them from the ceremony, unless your child happens to be the groom.

18. You can tell a lot about a person by the car they drive. Especially if they're trying to run over somebody with it.

19. Everyone should get to say “hold all my calls” at least once on the job, even if you have no phone, no secretary, and it makes no sense at all to say it.

20. Nothing in life is certain except death and taxes... and cats. There will always be cats.

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